Well, I really was hoping that I wouldn't be sitting here blogging about the fact that today marks 40 weeks and I'm still pregnant. I was so wrong when I thought that I would go into labor early. It's crazy though because I honestly thought my intuition that I wouldn't make it to my due date was believable. Kind of makes me question my own intuition; hmmmm.
Today's doctor appointment did however go a little better in the progress report: I'm still only 1.5 cm dilated but I'm 70% effaced and once I'm completely effaced then dilation will most likely happen quickly. The doctor was optimistic that I'll go into labor sometime this week. It's not exactly the news I was anticipating but at least it's progress, so I'll give myself a 'C+' this time. The '+' is for the fact that I'm still continuing to lose weight so I'm happy about that. I have been doing a ton of walking ever since I stopped running; sometimes going three times a day. And even though walking still aggravates my sciatic every single time, I will continue to push forward with all these walking sessions because my contractions have been much stronger lately and walking really gets them going. More contractions, the quicker Mallory gets out; no pain, no gain!
On this evening's walk Jody asked me if I had to guess when I think she's going to be here based on what the doctor said, what day would I say. There was a part of me that didn't want to play that game because I was so wrong before and it left me feeling disappointed. On the other hand, I can't help but think about it anyway so I gave him an answer. I am now guessing that the lucky day will be Thursday, October 7. His prediction was the same, even going as far to say that it will be sometime in the morning. Let's hope that this time the hunch is more accurate and I'm not blogging about being 41 weeks pregnant next Monday.
This week has been trying for me in more ways than one and because of that I've become quite emotional lately. Most of the time when I become emotional it's an overwhelming sense of joy and anticipation of Mallory's arrival. Whether it be from a song on the radio that makes me think of becoming a parent, seeing a dad holding the hand of his little girl while she wobbly walks, or just thinking about looking at her for the first time staring adoringly into her eyes I find myself choking back tears with a smile on my face. I'm already anticipating on becoming a total crybaby in the delivery room when they put her on my chest for the first time and I'm okay with it. If anyone is going to melt my strong willed personality it will be my daughter.
I say that this week has been difficult for me because of two reasons in particular. One, because I'm growing more and more impatient as each day passes to meet my little girl. It's weird for me because I'm normally a patient person but my patience is being tested and I'm losing. Not having any control at all to know when she will grace us with her presence makes me anxious. And though her due date is still five days away, I don't want to wait five days. I feel like Veruca Salt from Willy Wonka just typing that.
In relation to the impatience of my first reason comes my second reason; the discomfort that my sciatic nerve is causing me is becoming increasingly painful with each day. I've already stopped running (and I miss it terribly) and have resorted to walking and the elliptical, which I'm totally fine with. However, now even walking hurts. Yet walking helps to advance my contractions to getting Mallory here; I'm fighting an uphill battle. Every day for the past week now I've switched from ice pack to heating pad throughout the day making sure to stretch as much as possible. And while it provides temporary relief, it's just that, temporary. I've been putting on a brave face with each step I take, but after this morning's walk I became a crybaby. And even though I was still in pain after I was done crying, I felt a little better just to have let it out. I'm sure that I'll continue to break down and cry a little each time the pain overwhelms me but I don't care anymore. Maybe Mallory will hear me crying, feel bad, and come out!
Had my doctor's appointment today and my progress report at 39 weeks earns a big fat 'F' for fwamp. I have not dilated any farther than last week's 1.5 cm and I am so bummed. My contractions have become more strong and more frequent and I get nothing. Not even .5 cm of satisfaction for taking on a little more discomfort. This little girl is testing my patience for sure. Here I thought that I would be delivering early and it looks like I might actually go to my due date, if not longer - and by gosh I'm really hoping it's not longer. As much as I've enjoyed this pregnancy, I am so ready to be done being pregnant and holding Mallory in my arms. At least I'm not freaking out over the contractions and running to the hospital only to be turned away. Knowing that I haven't dilated additionally, I think I'll wait to pull the "I think it's time" card until either the pain is so bad I can't stand up or my water actually breaks. So my next appointment is on my due date next Monday; let's cross our fingers that I don't make it.
Normally right now I would be picking out something to wear, coming downstairs to pack a lunch, grabbing a couple of treats to give to The Buds, double-checking to make sure I grabbed what I needed for the day, and heading out to my car to drive to work. Instead I'm enjoying some jazz music in the background, blogging, and getting ready to start on my extra long to-do list that I'm looking forward to doing because I get satisfaction out of crossing things off in red ink. But before I start that to-do list, I'll go on another walk in hopes to keep these contractions progressing towards getting Mallory out.
Last Friday as I finished up my preparations to depart for maternity leave, I was a little caught off-guard at the melancholy feeling I had knowing that I wouldn't be back for four months. I really enjoy my job - even during the stressful times - and very much enjoy the people that I work with. And even though I know it's not going anywhere and I will soon be so busy filled with happiness, joy, and love for this little girl I'm still going to miss the daily work routine that I've become so accustom to. Starbucks has a slogan on its door right now that makes me smile: Take Comfort in Rituals. I think it's safe to say that most people enjoy their rituals; it makes them feel in control and content that what they're doing is a result of the effort that they put forth. Personally, I like routines. I have no problem embracing change or spontaneity - you have to in my line of work - but having and sticking to some sort of a routine is comforting.
So, in my typical ritual-like fashion I had to make sure that my home-away-from-home cubical was totally clutter-free and 100 percent organized before I left. I probably reorganized my space at least three times before I was content with leaving it alone. I even made sure to clean out my inbox to the point where I think I only left one unfiled email. The workaholic in me will most likely still check my work Blackberry every now and then because I can't help myself, but I'm also excited knowing that the workaholic side of me will be tamed once Mallory arrives. While I take pride in the fact that I have a good work ethic I'm looking forward to experiencing an "I don't care" attitude for a little bit because I'll be so enamored by my little girl. And though she's going to turn our current routine upside down at first, I take comfort knowing that our new ritual will be even better once we have her in our daily life.
I'm 38 weeks today and even more ready for Mallory to arrive. With my sciatic flaring up last week I have been pretty uncomfortable lately and very ready to not be pregnant anymore. I've come to the realization that it wasn't necessarily running that caused my sciatic to go crazy, it's the fact that Mallory is now making her way down and is putting pressure on the nerve. I'm not blaming her though because it means she's on her way and I'm excited about that. I just wish I had been more smart in high school track so I wouldn't have to deal with this injury in the first place. For that, I blame my coach who was too busy staring at the pretty girls instead of teaching us how to stretch properly.
My doctor's appointment this morning was more satisfying than last week as he did in fact check to see if there has been any progress. I mentioned to him that I've been having a lot more contractions and pressure lately. Not ones that are five to seven minutes apart, but powerful enough to make me pause while I focus on my breathing. A couple of nights ago I had contractions that were strong enough to wake me up and lasted long enough that a part of me thought I was going to have to wake Jody up. When they subsided and I was able to fall back asleep, I had a dream that it was time to go to the hospital and Jody was so frantic to get out of the house that he accidentally took off without me. Dreams are funny! So because I've been consistently having contractions I was excited to hear from the doctor today on the progress that I've been making. After checking me he tells me that I'm 1.5 cm dilated. 1.5 cm? That's it?!?! I guess I was wishfully thinking that after the contractions that I've been having I would go in today and the doctor would say, "You're already at 3 cm."
Silver lining: at least my body is contracting and they are becoming stronger and stronger. Considering that when he checked me two weeks ago and I wasn't dilated at all, I am making progress. I just was hoping it would be more than 1.5 cm by now. I'm not much of a complainer, but its not like these contractions are painless. And I know they're only going to get more unpleasant as my progress continues. Definitely makes me thankful for epidurals. In the meantime I'll be starting to act on some of the tricks to get labor progressing faster because I'd rather not wait another two weeks for Mallory to get here. I've already resorted to bribery by telling her that I'll give her a surprise if she comes early - the things we will do to get what we want!
My morning run today has left me pondering whether it's time to hang up the running shoes until after Mallory arrives. I am so incredibly sore today that I'm having trouble walking and I know it's because of my run. My back hurts, my hips hurt, and my sciatic nerve keeps stopping me in my tracks when it decides to flare up. Normally my mantra has always been "no pain, no gain" because when I'm training for races I'm always in some sort of pain. But this pain is much different. There is also a part of me that is thinking if I continue to push my body I could possibly injure myself and then be out for much longer than if I were to just stop now. But here's my dilemma; I hate giving up running. Like really, really hate giving it up.
For the first three months of my pregnancy I didn't run because I was too busy throwing up and being miserable from morning sickness. I also hadn't yet talked to my doctor about her thoughts of running while pregnant and since I previously had a miscarriage I was somewhat hesitant to take any chances. At the 12 week ultrasound my doctor saw in my chart that I was a runner and asked if I was still doing so. I told her no and gave her my explanation of why. She said that as soon as I started feeling better she wanted me to get back into it. Obviously she didn't want me training anymore but she definitely was an advocate for me continuing my running routine. I was so excited that she was on my side and got back into my running shoes immediately. I haven't looked back since and have been so proud of myself for keeping it up. It's helped me to not only feel really good throughout this pregnancy, but also keep the weight gain very manageable by having not gained more than 25 lbs thus far.
My original goal that I told myself was that I would run only as far and for as long as my body would physically allow me. I had to change my mindset; now I needed to listen to my body and when I felt pain, I needed to stop no matter what. The safety of my daughter was much more important than making sure I finished a certain distance. Luckily running has been fairly easy and pain-free up until this point and the only thing that I've had to limit myself on was distance. Because of that I set another goal for myself: I would run up until my doctor told me to knock it off. Well, that still hasn't happened and I make sure to ask each time I go in for my check-ups if it's okay that I'm still running. Now that I've been getting so sore from running there's a small part of me that is hoping when I ask that question the doctor will say it's time to switch to power walking, but no such words have been communicated. So the decision to hang up the running shoes is falling on my own shoulders and I don't like it. I'm too prideful to give up when I know that I'm capable of continuing to run. Maybe I'll give it one more try to see if I'm as sore as I am today and then I'll make a decision...maybe...
I am now 37 weeks; full term. I'm getting so excited for Mallory to make her big debut. In fact, even though I sorta wanted her to wait until I finish my last day at work (which is only two more weeks and another thing I'm so excited for), I've now decided that I don't care if I finish work or not. My big, important conference is now out of the way so I feel entitled to be able to leave whenever. The two events that I have left are really simple and could easily be taken over by my boss should I need to leave earlier than my scheduled last day.
Today's doctor appointment didn't really leave me feeling satisfied as to when Mallory might decide to make her appearance. He didn't check me to see if any progression has been made since the last time I was there. Personally I thought from here on out that was just going to be a standard thing since realistically she could come at any moment, but I guess I was wrong. I think one of the reasons he checked me last time was because I told him I would be traveling for work and I was a little anxious about it. So at my appointment next week if they don't tell me to undress from the waist down I'm going to make them aware that I want to be checked. I'm just too curious to not want to know if there's any progress going on so I can at least have some idea of when she might be getting closer to being in my arms.
What's funny too is though I'm starting to get more impatient now that I'm full term and I know that she would be perfectly fine if she were to come now, I'm also nervous about the whole labor experience in general. I'm not scared, just antsy about being caught off guard when I do go into labor. Like being stuck in rush hour traffic, or when I'm on my morning run (I should start carrying my phone), or stuck in line at the grocery store with a basket full of stuff that I have to just ditch for someone else to put away, or not being able to get a hold of Jody to tell him it's time, or, or, or. I know that it's because this is my first child so I have no idea what to expect and the unknowing makes most people feel uneasy. But overall I just want to get this show on the road. We are completely ready; her room is done (minus the wall art I'm working on), the car seat and diaper bag are in the car, my hospital bag is packed, and we've gotten all of the gear that we'll need right away.
I'm hoping that all this working out that I'm still doing and the cramping and pressure that I've been experiencing more and more of lately means that she'll be here soon. I'll start getting crafty with ways to get myself to go into labor if nothing has happened in the next couple of weeks. At my massage yesterday, the masseuse told me about some pressure points that I could have Jody massage to jump start labor; among all the other tricks that are out there. All I know is that my eagerness to see Mallory in person is starting to get the best of me and I want her here sooner than later. I feel like a little kid waiting for Christmas morning to see what Santa has brought!
Well, I really was hoping that I wouldn't be sitting here blogging about the fact that today marks 40 weeks and I'm still pregnant. I was so wrong when I thought that I would go into labor early. It's crazy though because I honestly thought my intuition that I wouldn't make it to my due date was believable. Kind of makes me question my own intuition; hmmmm.
