Missing In Action

Yes, I realize that I have been missing in action on blogging lately and I feel the need to express why. Not necessarily because I think everyone has been biting at their finger nails wondering where I've been, but more because I need to use this as a therapy session and just vent. In one word the reason I have been missing from the blog scene: Mallory. To back up that one reason, let me lay it out for you on why I say she is to blame. However, before I sit here and bash my little girl, know that I was really torn whether to even write this post in fear that others might perceive me as being a bad mom. Then I told myself that every mom feels this way at some point so why should I be ashamed to say it out loud.

Let me first take you back to her birthday party. She had woken up that morning a little cranky but after a quick morning nap before the party, she was back to her fun, normal self. Super good throughout her party, having a great time with everyone and everything. Patiently waiting for us to clean up our mess at the park and then head back home to put her down for an afternoon nap; waking up still in a good mood. Fast forward to the next day, her actual birthday. That was when the dark cloud of devil-Mallory rolled in and it hasn't left since. That was over two weeks ago. And of course her timing is always impeccable as I had a three-day event one week and a two-day event the following week for work. And as we all know, when you're struggling for control in one area of life it will always trickle to other areas of your life.

I have been a ball of emotions lately feeling burdened, frustrated, helpless, angry, and unhappy ever since that dark cloud rolled into our lives. I'm not going to sugar coat it, I don't like Mallory right now and sometimes think to myself, "What were we thinking?!" If I sit and think back on this past year that she has been in our lives, I can count on less than one hand the number of months out of 12 that she's been enjoyable for us. She is an extremely hard child; high maintenance, super needy, and unbelievably dramatic. Basically complete opposites of Jody and I. I know that being a parent isn't supposed to be easy, but I thought I would at least enjoy it more often than not. I don't feel it's as if though I had an unrealistic idea of what having a child would be like; I literally think it's because we just don't have an easy child. And while I know that all kids are different and every parent has a different experience, I wish so badly that our first child didn't have to be the hard one. Why? Because now it really, really makes us not want to do this again. And I know those of you reading this might say, "Well every kid is different so you can't say that." And to you I say, "You're right; however, it's still a risk that not only could our next kid turn out to be just as high maintenance as Mallory but could potentially be even worse than Mallory." Is that a risk we're willing to take? Nope. And I hate that I feel that way because I really did want another kid. And though I'm not saying 100 percent that we're done with kids, I am saying that it's going to take a lot of convincing for us to change our minds. If I had to put up with another kid like Mallory, I would probably run away. I just couldn't handle it and keep my sanity at the same time. Call me a horrible person, I'm just being honest. I know my limits and they're already being pushed by Mallory; that's enough for me.

Though I struggle right now to see the silver lining in our current situation, I will say that I'm still proud of the mom and wife that I am. I fulfill a lot of hats and even with the stress that I'm under I do it without complaining (except for right now). My patience level has grown tremendously and even when I feel like I can't take it anymore, I always start each day with a clean-slate kind of attitude. I've become better at being flexible and letting things go that I can't control. Even when I'm stuck listening to a crying/screaming session of Mallory's, I don't let her see that it bothers me. I just let her express herself until I can figure out a way to calm her down. I definitely see a lot of timeouts in Mallory's future.

Sigh. I can't wait for this dark cloud to get the hell out of here. Until then, you might not see very many updates on The Jenkins Chronicle. Especially since most times the posts are about Mallory and currently I don't have very many nice things to say about her. And we all remember what we were taught when we were younger, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."